Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

This song say it better than I possibly ever could. Merry Christmas.

High Speed Christmas Float Police Chase

We all know Christmas is stressful as hell, yet every year we all go through it. Unless you have children, I really don’t understand why. Yet we do, year after year. This year my Mother, sister and I decided to boycott it. My brother never celebrated it because he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. They don’t even celebrate birthdays.
After hearing about our boycott, all my aunts, uncles and cousins completely flipped out. It got so bad that yesterday my sister drove down from Maryland to take us to her house. Mike and I couldn’t go for many reasons. So we have to sit though three dinners today and tomorrow. There is just no escaping it.
Then I read this story. The story about the high speed police chase is so funny to me, it almost made the whole thing worth while. Just picture it. Picture the look on the peoples faces on the float. Picture the look on the spectators faces. And just how fast can a float go that it took the cops three miles to catch the guy. I would have given anything to be there.
There was another incident in this articles that I cut out. It wasn’t at all funny. As a matter f fact, it was scary as hell.


Christmas Brings Strange Seasonal Crimes

There's nobody nice on this Christmas list: snowman stabbers, Grinch snatchers, wreath-robbing weasels.
'Tis the season for strange crimes by even stranger people, with police blotters expanding faster than a 6-year-old's wish list of gifts.

David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C. According to witnesses, Rodgers sped down Main Street in the Steppin' Out Dance Studio float with 19 people aboard, ran a red light and led police on a 3-mile chase.
Police said that when Rodgers finally stopped, they found an open container of alcohol in his truck. "I made a very bad judgment on my part," Rodgers said at a court hearing.

In Chicago, 32 plastic baby Jesus dolls were stolen from nativity scenes set up in people's front yards. The kidnappers then lined up all the dolls along the fence outside a Chicago woman's home; she rounded them up and turned them over to her parish priest.

Similar creche crimes occurred in 35 cities from Fayateville, N.C., to Mission Viejo, Calif., according to The Catholic League, which tracks nativity vandalism.
In Houghton, Mich., somebody stole an inflatable Grinch from outside an apartment complex. That was just one instance in the area's rash of seasonal thievery: Two brown plastic reindeer, a baby Jesus statue and several wreaths were also stolen.

In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner, Matt Williquette. "And why Frosty?"
The snowman had survived two previous stabbing attacks. (ROTFLMAO!!!)

Two other local teens were arrested in an unrelated incident where they allegedly smashed a car with a large decorative candy cane, causing $1,000 worth of damage.
An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.

A real-life Grinch in Yonkers, N.Y., made off with $14,000 in staff bonuses and money from the office safe during a Christmas party, police said. Daniel Rios, 38, spent $7,500 in cash but returned about $6,500 in checks, authorities said.

Mike Takes A Vacation

Just in case anyone gets worried about me, I won’t be online for a week or two. The best way I can explain why is that a need a vacation. From Everything. I don’t know why, but I do. So don’t worry, I’m not in some prison or mental institution. I’m quit safe but not quit sound. So before I snap, I need to just take a breathe and just sit back for awhile. I’ll be back before you know it. And I’ll think of you all everyday. Keep fighting the good fight for me. I’ll me back, stronger than ever. Count on it.

Day Three: The Worst

Sorry folks. Nothing remotely funny at all happened Sunday. It was, by far, the hardest day yet. I found myself reaching for cigarettes the entire day. To top it off, in the middle of trying to figure something about the Medicare Prescription Plan for my Mother I had a full blown anxiety attack. Now I’ve had them before and usually I get a warning before it gets out of control. Not this time. Sheer terror out of nowhere. Luckily my doctor prescribes Klonopin for these, but it felt like an eternity before they took effect. If there where cigarettes in this house I would have definitely smoked them.

What I think happened was that the gum delayed the withdrawal and it finally fully hit me Sunday. To top it off, I got a call from my Mother last night telling me that she fell down the stairs and she couldn’t get up. So we drove right up there only to find her sitting quit calmly on the sofa. “I tried to call you Mike. I guess it was just a charlie horse.” she explained. “But you said you fell down the stairs!” I said.” I did”, she relied, “Well one stair anyway. But I did fall right on my face and I couldn’t get up. I was really “ascared””.
I didn’t know whether to hug or strangle her.

So if Sunday was the worst of it, I made it though. With a little help from Klonopin and my friends, but I made it.

I wanted this to be a three day journal and it will be. Unless something dramatically changes this will be the last full post about it. I think I made it past the worst of it. Still, I know it's far frorm over. Today I feel much calmer. I’m going to shave, shower, and go out.
When Mike gets home I’m going to give him what he’s been literally and figuratively asking for over the last three days. And after it’s over, I will not smoke. I know there’s a joke in there somewhere.

So, I want to thank every single one of you for helping me though this. You really have no idea how much you all helped. I re-read all your comments a hundred times. I would have not made it without you. So thanks again. To quote the Divine Miss M, “But you got to have friends….”

I was going to end this with, “I love you all”. But I refuse to expose myself so nakedly on the internet.










Psst, hey you. Yeah you. I love you.
Now turn away before I blush.

Day Two:The Mailman And Bugs Bunny Slippers

Sorry folks. I tried like hell to put the mailman story down on paper, but I can’t. It was one of those “you had to be there” things. Let’s just say I was out walking my cat. If you read the piece about my cat you know that she can’t go out alone. So after meowing for about an hour at the front door, I bungle up and took her out. The street was deserted except for the mailman who was a few houses down. I had a two days growth of a beard, dressed in Batman pajamas, a huge winter coat, and giant furry bedroom slippers with Bugs Bunny’s face on the front of them. I was also pacing back and forth mumbling incoherently to myself. In short, I looked totally insane. And to make matters worse, this was not my usual mailman, so he had no idea who I was.
Anyway my cat got too close to the curb, so I suddenly screamed out “NO!” at top of my lungs. Seeing no animal or anyone else but me, the mailman, who was now on my step, stops dead. Completely startled he turned around and said, “Don’t you want your mail mister?”
See you had to be there.
So I made it though day two, with relative ease. As a matter of fact it’s been too easy. And I only chewed 7 pieces of the gum instead of the recommended 1 every hour.
I have a feeling a whopper is coming tomorrow. We shall see. I thank God that I didn’t have to leave the house. Maybe that’s why it’s easier this time.
BTW- I’m not shaving to punish Mike for forcing this on me. He hates when I don’t shave. In short I’m punishing him for trying to save my life. Maybe I did go crazy.

Day One: Annoyed By Gum

Thursday night it hit me that there was no way I could do this cold turkey. So I went out and bought a box of “Stop Smoking” gum. I won’t name the exact product because I just read business’ are sewing people who complaining about their products on their blogs. Yes, I am so nervous, that I have become this extremely paranoid.
I asked the asked the saleslady for the strongest one. She handed me the 4mg one for “those who smoke 25 or more cigarettes a day”. Since I smoked 40 or more, I asked here if there was a stronger one. She kind of looked at me in a startled way and asked how much I smoked. Being the extremely irritated bitch I’d already become I answered,” On a good day, six packs”. After putting her eyes back in their sockets she wished me good luck. Without looking back I said, “Yeah, thanks lady”, and flew out.
All the way home I wondered how many packs of cigarettes $41.00 (on sale) would have bought me.
I got home, ripped open the box and got immediately annoyed. It said it was an eight week program. I found this to be absolute bullshit. Nobody takes eight weeks to withdrawer from anything. This was just a way of selling more of their product. I instantly hated this “Stop Smoking Company”, anybody who works for them, their children and their children’s children. Then I got to the directions. Who the hell needs directions to chew gum? After making sure I didn’t accidentally pick up “Stop Smoking Gum For the Mentally Challenged” I read on. The directions had 7 steps. I’ll sum it up for you. You can’t chew the gum until after 15 minutes have passed since you ate or drank anything. Then you have to chew it until you feel a “tingling sensation”, then you “park” it in you mouth , wait for the tingling sensation to end, chew it again till the tingling sensation returns, then repeat this process for 30 minutes. Sounds easy, right? Wrong.
After putting the first piece in my mouth I chewed the gum but was never sure whether or not I found the tingling sensation or just the “fresh mint taste”. I really expected a dramatic tingling sensation. I gave this so much concentration that it gave me a headache so sever it sent me bed. I still have it. So I just guessed. And I only used the gum when I really felt I needed it. They are not going to con me into buying this for eight weeks. On the plus side, the gum really does have a calming effect. That is after you stop worrying about whether or not you found that tingling feeling or not.

So day one can be summed up in three words: irritability, headache and constipation.

So far day two has me felling so hungry I could eat a horse. Bring on the weight gain.