I'm Going To Be Filthy Rich

Now that I have you attention, I have an announcement to make.

I just patented a new drug. It’s called “Gaynesta”*. It instantly turns straight men gay. It will be marketed to straight men who are tired of dancing like robots, who think that plaid paints and strip shirts match, and those that never experienced the sheer joy of crying at “ET”.
I am typing this from a laptop at the airport. I am flying to the home of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. When I get to their house I’m sure a maid will answer the door. I will then mace this maid with police mace. She will run screaming in pain hence giving me entree into their home. I will then introduce myself to Miss Jolie. I will hug her and genuinely thank her for all the good she has done in the world, then promptly knock her unconscious with a baseball bat.
Knowing that Brad sleeps late I will then head to their bedroom. I will find him sleeping. He will look like an angel sleeping. An incredibly sexy angel, but an angel none the less. I will then take a capsule of Gaynesta and ram it down his throat clear down into his stomach. This will wake him up. He will take one look at me and fall immediately in love. We will leave the house hand and hand, carefully stepping over Angelina’s unconscious body on the way. We will move in a mansion and have a butler named Eduardo. David Crosby will impregnate a lesbian for us and we will adopt the baby. No matter what the gender of the baby, we will name the baby Thighs, after Brad. We will sell People magazine the exclusive rights to publish the first pictures of Thighs, for seven million dollars. We will live happily ever after. It will be a fairly tale in every sense of the word.


WARNING: If you have a medical condition that prevents you from quickly waving your arms and snapping your fingers, consult your physician before taking Gaynesta. Possible side effects may include everyday events to appear extremely dramatic, uncontrollable projectile vomiting at the sight of a Republican, spontaneous combustion, maxing out your credit cards in two hours, watching “The View” without ever understanding why, and a never ending yearning to be the most famous human being on earth.