Interview With A Vampire

I was lovingly stroking one of my many framed pictures of myself when I got the call. It was my publicist. In an amazed tone of voice he told me that Ann Coulter finally granted me an interview. I was so excited I thought I would start screaming and simply never stop. Having several failed attempts at a career as a drag queen, I couldn’t wait to ask her for her advice. So arrangement were quickly made and faster then you can say “tuck it” I found myself waiting for her in an upscale restaurant. I couldn’t wait to see what a regal and dramatic entrance she would make. I wasn’t disappointed.
She skied into the restaurant wearing a stunning full length fur coat. At least I thought she skied in. I stupidly mistook her large boots for skies. I got up and shook her hand, which was so big it covered my entire forearm. I thought I died and went to heaven.
Good morning Ms. Coulter, it is an honor to meet you.
You’re paying for this right?
Yes, of course.
Then good morning you stupid, evil, liberal sodomite.
I am a huge fan.
Of course you are.
Your coat is beautiful. What type of fur is it?
Thank you. It was made entirely from the fur of baby seals.
Oh my God!
I know. It cost a fortune. I want to say right of the bat that Michael J. Fox purposely injected himself with the Parkinson virus to further the liberal agenda.
I don’t believe Parkinson disease is caused by a virus.

Her response to this was to pull out a stun gun and zap me right in the crotch. While I was rolling around the floor in pain, she took off her coat to reveal a fabulously skin tight, short cut evening gown. The fact that this was a breakfast meeting did not deter her. What spunk! I managed to drag myself back into my chair. The interview continued.

Your rarely speak of you’re personal life. Are you dating someone?
Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I happen to be dating someone.
That’s great, where did you two meet?
At a gay bar. Did I saw gay bar? I mean great bar. We met in a great bar.
What was you childhood like?
Just like anyone else’s I suppose. We observed the daily twelve hour prayer reflections, the cold water enemas, the weekly sacrificial slaughtering of a kitten, just like anyone else’s.
I see.
You’ve been criticized many times for making controversial comments. Why do you open yourself to be attacked for these?
To sell books, you clueless, liberal idiot. I need a lot of money for my surgery. It’s not covered by my heath insurance.
That’s terrible, what type of surgery do you need?
Eh, I have a deviated septum. I get a lot of headaches.
Your insurance won’t cover that?

Her answer to this was to point her stun gun at me.

Never mind, I know how horrible a HMO can be.
Yes they are run by liberals.
Ann.
Yes?
I know everything.
What do you mean?
I know that you are really a liberal democrat. You create this “Ann Coulter” persona to make Republicans appear even crazier then they are, if that’s possible. You are a man. Your real name is Sunshine Lieberman. You were raised by Jewish liberal parents in a commune in San Francisco. Your first kiss was from an eleven year old boy named Leaf. He had a “save the whales” tattoo on his ass. He broke your heart.
Oh my God! How could you know this?
Because, I, my dear child, am God himself.
God is a middle aged gay man?
Yes, isn’t it fabulous?
Fabulous isn’t the word. Can you forgive me, dear God?
Forgive you? My child, that is my job. I forgive everyone.
Even George W. Bush?
I’m God, I’m not crazy.
I have so many questions to ask you. I don’t know where to begin.
You only need to know one thing. When you order a pizza with half pepperoni, you will open the box the find one side will be completely lacking pepperoni. The answer to life is in one of those sides.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

And then I woke up. It was all a dream. Apparently I am not an all knowing, almighty powerful entity. What a bummer. And I never met the fabulously insane Ann Coulter. Still, I have to wonder how all that baby seal fur got on my good suit.